Stay or Leave

I'm listening to Dave Matthews' "Some Devil" CD and the song, "Stay or Leave" is making me weep. I've always liked the song but today my sister is leaving the East, heading out to Seattle to live and even though I know the song is about lovers, I feel exactly like that...

My sister Suzanne is five years older than me. We grew up in the 60s and 70s in Nashville and Lexington, KY and later Nashville again. When we were moving to Kentucky from Nashville my friends gave me a surprise going away party (I was 12) and Suzanne took me all over our neighborhood that day to all the places she hung out with her friends. I was bewildered but very happy. She helped me put on makeup and get dressed up without ever hinting I was going to be fete'd by my own 12 year old friends. Funny but I remember very little about the party. What I remember is running around with my big sister.

One time she decided to teach me how to drive. When I ran into a drug store (with the car) it was Suzanne's car and I felt guilty for the next twenty years. It became one of those family stories, you know the kind....the story that seems to get dragged out at every family gathering for all the rest of eternity.

Suzanne was the big sister who did things with me and taught me how to survive the world. Funny, my other big sister who was a year older than Suzanne was the oldest in the family but our relationship is completely different. Suzanne is the one who was my big sister, the one I could tell all my secrets to, the one who could tell me when I was being stupid when nobody else could have.

And now she is leaving. Moving from Cincinnati to Seattle. I feel just like I'm 12 again and this time my sister isn't around to show me how to act. This is a day for weeping and joy because I am weeping for my own selfish reasons but somehow feeling joyous for her and only pray to whatever gods there might be that she will find the fulfillment that has so far eluded her. She is the only person I've ever known who has done all the things you are supposed to do, worked hard at everything and excelled in both art and teaching without being recognized for her accomplishments. Maybe Seattle will be more amenable to an artist than is Cincinnati.

Good luck Suzanne. I already miss you. My heart hurts.